Fraternity Reunion
by Cornadopia
Summary: It's a night of many parties, and after Benvolio's recent faliure to reply to Tybalt's threats, Mercutio plans a bit of "fun" for the both of them...and it doesn't go quite as planned. Based on the "Full House" episode "Fraternity Reunion".
1. Scene One

NOTE: This story is sitcom-esque, starring Mercutio and Benvolio from "Romeo and Juliet" and talking place during that time. Inspired by the "Full House" episode, "Fraternity Reunion".

DISCLAIMER - R&J is Shakespeare's, "Full House" is ABC's and all else affiliated. I do not own either and never will, but I love 'em both.

Enjoy/review! Hoping for the best.

. . .

(SCENE: A brisk day in the house of shy, bookish BENVOLIO MONTAGUE, minutes after his friend MERCUTIO has won the day at the plaza. BENVOLIO, two jugs of wine in hand, enters the courtyard with MERCUTIO. MERCUTIO surfs down the stair-railing, screaming with excitement, and BENVOLIO stays out of his way as he laughs along quietly.)

MERCUTIO. STAND THEE ASIDE, CAPULETS! This is the Montague's day...or, to put it fittingly, that of the great Mercutio! KISS MY FEET, YOU BABIES!

BENVOLIO (shakes his head.) My friend, thou art naught but a madman - naught except an idiot.

MERCUTIO. O, deny it not, my man. Those at the plaza saw thee impressed this morning. Soon yet, all of Verona shall know thou watched all, just as they shall know of the fear that was behind Tybalt's eyes just before another pitiful thrashing. Ah! 'Tis too moist, too fragrant... (his voice is buried in his glass as he drinks to himself).

BENVOLIO. Marry, thou art but a _taste_ of a champion, as well an idiot through and through.

MERCUTIO. Soundly, good Benvolio! What, thirst thee not?

BENVOLIO. I wish not to worry, but cannot hold myself.

MERCUTIO. Why, what's there to worry for? Canst thou not feel the breeze, love the sun? (Twirls around and around on a column, his jug spilling everywhere.) This day is one of feasts, Ben, as every house we know of prophesied weeks ago. Good sleep, good fight, good wine; I doubt not to-day will grow better just by going on! You and I and Romeo - wherever the rogue himself should be - shall dabble in whatever houses we want when dark cometh, for no house is without a ball. (Thrusts his arm around BENVOLIO heartily).

BENVOLIO. I would but we stop at just one, and I would we were invited to that one. So, if thou hast some devious plan...

MERCUTIO (sings, loudly). _When that I was and a little tiny boy, with hey, ho, the wind and the rain..._

BENVOLIO (sighs, but has to smile).

(Enter ROMEO, BENVOLIO's wistful, romantic cousin, covered in something sticky and powerfully fragrant.)

ROMEO (before MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO can ask what happened) NO MORE! Another minute gone by with this shall drive me officially mad!

MERCUTIO. That is unofficial yet?

BENVOLIO. Hush, Mercutio. Cousin, what angers thee?

ROMEO. This pain! This annoyance which must forever mix itself within love alone hath made me a drunken fool. And jest not, Mercutio. It is not my doing, but that of Verona's precious maidens. Ah, curses themselves are they!

BENVOLIO. What's your newest?

ROMEO. Anselme's eldest, cuz. The fairest Ethiope, the worthiest topaz Orlandina!

BENVOLIO. Is she fair as thy formers?

ROMEO. Ay me, she is - _formers_? Formers! Hush thee, ignorant cuz! There are no formers of mine any-more. I told thee of herself some days ago after mass. I know not how thou hast forgotten her butter cream for skin, and the gentlest touch I e'er did feel when I kissed her straightest finger. (sighs, close to tears.) Slay me, bright angel, and brush thee aside my endurance! (rants on).

MERCUTIO (aside to BENVOLIO). She's of Anselme's kin? Why, they were all a pack of weasels last I looked! Hast thou seen the greatness of Orlandina's nose?

BENVOLIO. (whispers) Ay. I had to slip out the church-door and laugh thither.

ROMEO. ... alas, she is a devil's concubine. I've slept not since I saw her at the bridge at midday some thirty-four hours and seven minutes ago. I saw her again just as Petruchio approached thee, Mercutio, and tried my hardest to meet with her, but she walk'd on. I called for her, you can be sure. But 'twas such a crowd, she heard not my calls for her and I could not see that I was going to crash into a barrel of molasses.

BENVOLIO (gasps). That is this wetness! Rough, cuz, rough. Did she not see thee fall?

ROMEO. Nay. She gave a merry good-morrow to Ricardo, though - or so did her lips and arms.

MERCUTIO. Ay, ay, all's in good humors; Ricardo's a bastard either way. (tastes ROMEO'S shirt). Mmm, 'tis really molasses.

ROMEO. I am wondrous pathetic, and if not for ladies I would not be so.

BENVOLIO. Nay, thou art n -

MERCUTIO. Romeo, have I not been telling thee that for years now? Come, forget the monster-nosed wench and come with thy cousin and me. We shall find the others and start.

ROMEO. Nay, Mercutio, I cannot. There are dances at parties, and there are ladies at dances. There is but one way I can think of riding myself of the plague of love, and that is to look at it no longer. Henceforth, Romeo Montague shall not think of ladies!

(BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO mutter doubtfully).

ROMEO. I'll hear no more! I shall be numbing myself to ladies on my own tonight, speaking only with the dirtiest, most unloving men mine eyes can find!

(EXEUNT ROMEO in a huff).

MERCUTIO. I shall pay him all I've got if he returns to us without being beaten to death.

BENVOLIO (scoffs in agreement). Four of the clock - we had best dress now. Mercutio, hast thou still my necklace? The one with the Montague's crest on't?

MERCUTIO. I wear not necklaces, madam. And dost thou not remember? Thy father took that from thee when thou didst not answer Tybalt's threats.

BENVOLIO (cringing). Oh ay - that's indeed what became of it. Alas, my father took it without thinking! Tybalt attacked me in the plaza when I was not armed, and my father knoweth I do not fight without a sturdy reason.

MERCUTIO. Benvolio, thou _canst_ not fight, at all. And Tybalt only let his maiden-friend tickle thee to the ground. (cackles). Why didst thou not call for me? Then thou wouldst not have shamed the Montagues so.

BENVOLIO. I shamed my father before then.

MERCUTIO. Well, then, why not find Tybalt and prove him wrong tonight?

BENVOLIO. Tybalt shall be at the parties of the Capulets and their allies to-night. We cannot approach him - or would not, unless we were drunk.

MERCUTIO. Or mad.

BENVOLIO. Ay, that.

MERCUTIO (shrugs).

BENVOLIO. Never! I am a gentleman, Mercuito, are not you?

MERCUTIO. Well, I am brave, and all men know that. Come, would not thou like to prove thy father wrong, that thou art not a coward?

BENVOLIO (no answer.)

MERCUTIO. HA! Then 'tis settled. (skips into BENVOLIO's house.)

BENVOLIO (jumps up). Mercutio, where art thou going? Mercutio? MERCUTIO!

MERCUTIO (blocks out BENVOLIO's yelling, singing at the top of his lungs) _But when I came to man's estate, with hey, ho, the wind and the rain, 'gainst knaves and thieves men shut the gate, for the rain it raineth every day... _

_. . ._


	2. Scene Two

MADIANNA - Thanks for your lovely review! Much appreciated. As you can see, no, this is not a one-shot, but I believe it'll be about four or five chapters long.

DISCLAIMER - R&J's not mine. "Full House" is also not mine.

This intro is probably longer than the chapter, so I'll shut up. Enjoy!

(SCENE: A plaza in Verona, shortly after night has fallen and the feasts have begun. The street is aglow with torchlight with different music in every window; BENVOLIO pretends he is following some chattering others dressed formally. Just as he steps out of the plaza's lights, cold hands grab either side of him).

BENVOLIIO (jumps). OW! Zounds!

MERCUTIO. Hush, no time. Now come hither. (pulls BENVOLIO against a wall, where they were alone). We must make this plaza our base. 'Tis the perfect distance from either side of Verona; behind us is the home of my cousin, the Prince, whose ball I have sworn to come to some to-night; (points where the people are heading) that is the house of Signor Placentio, where we shall go now.

BENVOLIO. Signor Placentio is among the strictest allies of the Capulets.

MERCUTIO. Ay, and where better to find Tybalt? (moves toward Placentio's house).

BENVOLIO (pushes MERCUTIO roughly back against the wall). 'Twould be better to do it after to-night is over. I wish not to disrupt everyone's night!

MERCUTIO. But thou art with me. That does not conern me. Now, mark me - (holds up the sack he carries) - in this, I've put any thing we might be in need of to get to Tybalt and prove wrong thy father.

BENVOLIO. What's in't?

MERCUTIO (smiles mischeviously). I shall tell thee soon yet. Trust me. (starts toward the house, BENVOLIO following.)

BENVOLIO. Come, Mercutio, tell me.

MERCUTIO. Trust me!

BENVOLIO. Why willst thou not tell me?

MERCUTIO. If I tell thee, thou shalt not want to.

BENVOLIO (stops for a second). I think I don't like this...

. . .

(Half an hour later, the party at the home of Signor Placentio has begun, and people eat, drink and mingle before the dance begins. Dressed in his finest, TYBALT of the Capulet house stands with LIVIA, whom he is courting. Two 'ladies' are greeted and welcomed in; one is tall and thin, with light, wavy brown hair and a pearl necklace, and the other is short and more muscular, with very red lips and long eyelashes. Lips pursed and anxiously looking around, they enter arm in arm, noticed by no one).

BENVOLIO (under his breath). _You...are...mad._

**To Be Continued.**


	3. Scene Three

Thanks all for reviewing! I apoligize for the wait; just got finished with the first draft of my novel and the publication process has just begun. Review, enjoy, yada yada yada.

SCENE THREE

(BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO, arm in arm, glance around at the partying guests. No one spares them a second glance).

MERCUTIO. Benvolio, worry not. I've a plan. To-night we have entered just another party, unlike any other we have attended. In the trophy room standeth the ladies - (*gestures to the right*) - and the men in the hall - (*gestures to the left*); we shall adapt to a ladylike way, and thou shalt go to the trophy room to find the weapon thou shalt use to regain thy pride. 'Tis foolproof!

BENVOLIO. I ... am ... so uncomfortable...

MERCUTIO (draws back to examine BENVOLIO). Of course thou art, 'tis thy bosom! What fruit didst thou use?

BENVOLIO. Thou packed us only one grapefruit; I had to use a peach for my right - ouch!

(MERCUTIO starts to adjust the fruit stuffed in BENVOLIO's dress)

BENVOLIO. STOP IT, Mercutio! Don't you think people will _wonder_?

MERCUTIO. Thou art lopsided, 'tis unnatural...

(Two LADIES exiting the party stop to stare; MERCUTIO freezes and gapes back).

LADY. On then, to the house of Montague.. (they leave).

BENVOLIO. Mercutio, this is not going to work. You look like a man, I look like a man, and Tybalt knows us! So let us go home and change into our real clothing.

MERCUTIO. Nay! We are here to see thou defeat'st Tybalt, and so we will! No one will see through these disguises, I swear to thee! Now dost thou trust me, or dost thou NOT?

(LADY PLACENTIO taps MERCUTIO's shoulder).

MERCUTIO (whips around; smiles nervously. In high voice). Hello!

LADY PLACENTIO. Good evening, good maidens! Who might the two of you be?

(MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO exchange glances).

BENVOLIO (curtsies with the wrong foot in front of the other). I am Debbie.

MERCUTIO. And I am Susie. (attempts to curtsy and trips; LADY PLACENTIO raises an eyebrow). Teehee.

LADY PLACENTIO. Debbie and Susie, 'tis a pleasure to have you at my home to-night. My husband hath so many ... er, _lovely _friends I had not met before to-night! I pray you enjoy yourself. Excuse me.. (hurries away).

BENVOLIO. Good save.

MERCUTIO. Thank thee. Now, onto business...

(They approach the trophy room, which is full of giggling maidens).

MERCUTIO. Study them, Benny...dost thou see how they hold themselves up, how they walk with that tiny swing of their hips? We must walk that way.

(They attempt to, only to realize they don't know exactly know where they're going. There are many closed groups of girls holding different conversations. They peek into one of them, where four CAPULET GIRLS are howling with laughter).

ALLEGRA. ... and so I told him, 'Ay, I would like to walk to the plaza with thee...when? On the day after NEVER!'

JULIET (giggling). Thou awful thing! Poor Petruchio.

CONSOLATA. He hath been a suitor of many - scorn'd by all he hath pursued, so I have heard. The most harshly rejected gentleman in all Verona is Petruchio!

YOLANDA. Ay, but forget you all Ricardo? Allegra, hast not thou told Consolata and Juliet?

ALLEGRA. Of Ricardo? My poor brother. Orlandina hath broken his poor heart, and would not go out to-night in fear of seeing her.

(The girls 'awww'; BENVOLIO joins the 'awww'ing a beat too late, but MERCUTIO stifles a cruel laugh).

CONSOLATA. But Ricardo is a courtly gentleman! How come Orlandina to deny him?

ALLEGRA. Tell no one, but Ricardo believes 'tis because of Romeo. Romeo Montague.

JULIET (biting her lip). What about him?

ALLEGRA: He hath been pursuing her, and she hath given in. Ricardo's wondrous angry -

JULIET: Doth Romeo know she now returneth his admiration?

MERCUTIO (blurts out speaking). Romeo hath given up ladies. He loveth no-one anymore.

YOLANDA (blinks). Who are you?

CONSOLATA (to BENVOLIO). And you?

MERCUTIO. I am Debbie.

BENVOLIO (simultaneously with MERCUTIO). I am Susie.

(They exchange glances).

BENVOLIO. Nay, I am Debbie.

MERCUTIO (simultaneously with BENVOLIO). Nay, I am Debbie!

ALLEGRA: Come, which of you is Debbie, and which is Susie?

MERCUTIO. Uh...'cum' is a dirty word, little maiden...

(The CAPULET GIRLS stare, unimpressed).

MERCUTIO (whispers to BENVOLIO). They suspect us. Get thee hence; practice thy girl-walk.

(BENVOLIO sashays away)

MERCUTIO. Forgive her, my friends. She is fond of the drink - too fond, if you know of which fondness I refer to. I am Debbie.

CONSOLATA: Good even, Debbie. We are all cousins from the house of Capulet.

MERCUTIO. Ay, I know.

YOLANDA. How come thee to know us, and still to know Romeo Montague?

MERCUTIO (thinking fast). Ah, well, 'tis not so much Romeo I know; however, for the longest time I have admired his friend...what is he, that incredibly handsome and spirited youth who is of the Prince's blood?

ALLEGRA. Why, thou speak'st of Signor Mercutio.

MERCUTIO. Ay, he! (*swoons*) I have admired the nobleman Mercutio for the longest of months...

ALLEGRA: Well then, good Debbie, if you are so fond of Mercutio, then I cannot be fond of you.

(CONSOLATA, JULIET and YOLANDA are not looking at MERCUTIO, but at ALLEGRA, who has crossed her arms.)


End file.
